There are some difficult choices that you have make in life at times.But,it doesn't get any more difficult than choosing your underwear.Well,sometimes living with what you have chosen gets tough,but certainly not tougher.As the judgement day comes closer (decided when holes occupy more area than the cloth) it's time to share some tips,mostly for my further reference.Lest I forget.
Here comes the do-don't list-
* There is a shop outside main gate rather curiously named Mood Indigo(I hope I don't get sued for this).NEVER go there,even if there is an underwear crisis in the world and it is the last shop that sells those and you have a job interview next day that requires you to come in underwear and your's is pathetically inadequate,NEVER.Well if things really do get this desperate or worse,go alone,don't take friends along.
The reason why I'm telling this is based on the harrowing experiences of friends and myself over the years.A lady in a male underwear shop is never a good idea.They have got THREE! Well it was 3 the last time reports came in.
So you walk in and three not-so-old ladies look at you- typical shopkeeper's anticipatory gaze.You walk to the counter and stand there.
'What do you want?'
You look at your friends and look outside and look here,then there.Your friends can't stop giggling.You gather enough courage.
What size? What kind of question is that? It suddenly dawns upon you that underwear come with sizes and you don't know yours,never bothered to find out.And you can't just drop and your pants and look at the tag,not here.You suddenly remember your waste size and somehow blurt out.
They start laughing.You look at your friends for help.They already have tears in their eyes.One of them says-
'30 he he hee haaa haaa..abe moron that's waist size,say 85,e-i-g-h-t-y f-i-v-e'
You realise your mistake,slightly late.
'Dude that's your size,how do you know mine?'
'Everyone has the same size'
You look at the shop ladies,they are looking at awkard places.You half expect them to say-
'Turn around,we'll decide that'
They don't,and that's a good thing.You go by what you friend says,thinking to gift him that underwear if it doesn't fit.Anyway you haven't given any b'day gift for long.
'OK I'll go with 85'
A sudden activity results in a minor tower of underwear cartons stacked in front of you.They take out one box.It looks like the sort of thing George Michael or anyone suitably gay would wear into a gay bar.Velevety,shiny and flashy with Tiger-skin prints.
'What is this?'
'The best we have'
'Best for who?'
They smile mysteriously.You begin to doubt yourself.Your friends by this time are almost rolling on the floor.You have a sinking feeling.
'Can we have something else?'
You utter the first option to stop the pain.
They show a whole lot more stuff,and somehow each one of them looks small.One of friends gathers enough sense to say-
'Abe try them out here,we'll check the size to make sure'
They return into fits of laughter.The ladies grin too.You grab the first piece of clothing,pay and leave.You friends follow,sneering along.Not to mention,the thing doesn't fit.
So do not go there.And ensure that you know your size before hand,takes care of a lot of trouble.Especially at places where they don't have a changing room.
* If you play cricket,proper type with leather balls and pads and all,get your own A-guard and make sure it fits properly.Once one of my friends gave me a tip to wear double underwear to make sure the guard stays in. That day was the closest my human self has come to a blast furnace experience.To add to the woes,I didn't get to bat and fielded and bowled with double underwear all the time in the sun.So either get a guard or quit playing cricket.I quit playing.
* If you are one of those who goes on frequent treks and plays a lot of outdoor sport,make sure you get a good underwear.The last time we had a trek all of us decided that the biggest trouble was not running out of water,not losing the way and fear getting lost,not falling on the jagged stones,not spraining your ankle or hurting your head,not getting bitten by bugs,sucked on by leeches,no sir.It was getting the underwear rash.All those things can heal,pretty quickly at that.Even if they don't people look at you and say-
'What happened,why are you limping?'
'Oh nothing,we just climbed 3000 ft the other day and I just fell off a rock.'
They respect you for that.
On the contrary if you get the dreaded rash and burn,the same people will ask-
'Why are you walking like you have a ten feet pole inserted into your hindside?'
Whatever you say,you won't be forgiven.
So there isn't a substitute for good,clean,nice underwear.Not the velvety type.