Sunday, January 27, 2008

And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in the tidal destruction, the moral melee

[Warning to me reading this somewhere in the future: Remember the 'company' you were in when you wrote this? ]

Sometimes you want to write but you're not sure what to write about. Or you're not sure what you want to write is even worth writing. I don't know why this 'worthiness' angle comes into picture after 3 years of writing about almost everything that could be written about. Surprisingly it does.

It is scary how words come back to haunt. That too something I had written not too long ago, just before I left the campus one final time. Since I have no one else to quote, I'll have to quote myself again.

Probably all the pretenders get around and make a world that seems real to all of them. Probably I'm a part of of that world. I'm fighting with all I've got to get out. Only that I really can't get the people around me to come with me. The worst it leads to is frustration, something I have learnt to get over soon enough. I'm glad I didn't end up disliking many people, I wish the many would have been any. I wish the same with me, although I know that hate is often reciprocated.

Now this... this is proving to be an epidemic as far as I'm concerned. The part in bold is the major problem. As I say often to people who try and troubleshoot my problems, I know all my troubles, limitations and their solutions in graphic detail. It is just that I fall short on the implementation part. Once the optimism dies, all I'm left with is cold indifference. I see that stage coming again.

I'm scaring myself as much as I'm scaring you with all this shadowy talk. But I guess this is what happens when your interests, your friends, your carefree life are taken away from you and you're dumped in a lonely, friendless, boring place. The problems are compounded when the only option is to choose the other life. I choose not to choose that life.

The other day I was telling a friend about this quote which goes something like , "When you keep hitting a rock repeatedly and it breaks on the 100th blow, it is not the last blow that broke the rock. The 99 others contributed equally, just that the end result wasn't visible." I know I messed up this quote proper, but that's not my concern right now. I see that 100th blow coming too.

Enough. In other news, I have started taking tennis lessons. They told me I'm a quick learner, and it felt nice to be doing at least something well. I also have made plans to skateboard (one of the things my brother got me on his trip back home) my way down my apartment stairs pretty soon. My room mate though has refused to take me to the hospital just in case, which is one reason I'm putting this off until later.

Some very funny things have happened since the ones I've posted on this blog. I'll update as soon as I get into that mood. I see that coming too :)


crazed_mellow said...

methinks you are a patient of chronic existential crises [the plural thing] tis allright twill go away surely as the day comes and come back surely as the night.
waise no choices are final and it makes more sense to feel that you are in control and make a choice based on desire and not fear.

on a lighter note.

what will the beefy angry dad given to histrionics say when he catches you in bed with his daughter

Nickel jha mere ghar se


Giddu said...

I see pretenders. They're everywhere. They just don't know they're pretending.

Ahh... life.

Nikhil said...

[kp] although I didn't get most of the funda, still am thankful that you mentioned 'existential' rather than 'midlife' prior to crises :)

..and I'd glad if I got away with just that line given the situation you portrayed :D

[giddu] trust me, from where I am, I see far more of them than you. outside my universe, I probably am one myself

Vikranth Audi said...

this is a hangout for 2007 lit junta or what? :P and i tend to agree with giddu about the pretenders part. and maddy will completely agree with this too, if he reads it....

no shortage of fakes in this world, and faking, somehow tends to make you lucky too!!

neways, lifes a sine wave. :)